The Horizon Pursuit Hunting Blind: Criminally Lethal, Dangerously Fun
Hi, I’m Benny “The Blade” Borelli, AKA That Buck You Missed Last Fall. As boss of the organized whitetail underworld, I’m warning you to boycott Horizon Pursuit, the most luxurious yet lethal hunting blind the planet’s ever seen.
"Anyone who uses a Horizon Pursuit blind is a bloodthirsty predator who probably eats endangered songbirds for breakfast."
—Benny “The Blade” Borelli,
whitetail organized crime boss
What’s Wrong With Horizon Pursuit?
1: Too Big
These blinds are stupid big. All that extra space promotes human pack hunting behavior.
2: Small Blind SPots
The wall-to-wall windows erase the blind spots that have helped us dodge jokers like you for decades.
3: Deadly Windows
The new Stealth Portal Technology is so lethal, my syndicate is sponsoring a couple of lawsuits to ban it from the market.
A Good Blind Is a Lame Blind
Ever felt like pushing your hunting blind off a bluff? That feeling is good for you. And if you don’t help us stop Horizon Pursuit, you might never have that feeling (or any feeling) again.
You need to know I mean business, so I’m putting my cards on the table.
For 45 years, my whitetail mob has worked like mad behind the scenes to keep truly lethal hunting blinds off the market and level the playing field for deer. We keep tabs on all the big manufacturers, and any time their guys in R&D start pushing it, we pay them a visit and give them a little advice for their own good.
What do we do if they don’t listen? You know what, kid, you ask too many questions.
What matters is that we all get what we want. The guys who design the blinds get to keep their kneecaps. We whitetails get to stay alive. And you get to keep hating your blind and missing your shots.
It’s a beautiful system, and we thought it would last forever.
But now Horizon Pursuit
won’t play ball
We don’t want trouble. We just want Horizon Pursuit to go along with the same three non-lethality principles we’ve forced on the rest of the industry:
Your days in the woods are precious, and it’s fun to spend them huddled in a cramped blind that lets us whitetails walk free and leaves you with a stiff neck from trying to see outside.
You like stress and frustration, and we do our best to make sure you get as much of it in your hunting blind as you do at the office.
Now Horizon Pursuit wants to take all that misery away from you. That’s why you’re going to help us take them down. I’ll be watching you.
Why Horizon Pursuit Must Be Stopped
With a Horizon Pursuit blind, this could be the terrifying reality of your next hunt:
For all the horrifying details, keep reading...
1: SPACE
Hunting is too much fun when you do it with other people. So of course Horizon Pursuit blinds are BIG to encourage you to do just that. Killing game is not SUPPOSED to be fun, and I can’t have you making warm memories passing on your little whitetail vendetta to the next generation.
2: VISIBILITY AND SHOOTING ANGLES
We love sneaking up silently so you overlook us until we’re too close or at the wrong angle to take the shot. But Horizon Pursuit has huge wall-to-wall windows on three sides that keep you odorless and invisible. And their evil Stealth Portal Technology (SPT) lets you open the window silently, without ever showing us your flappy little hand at all.
At first we thought SPT was black magic, but after more research we think it’s some kind of patent-pending counterweight system. 10 out of 10 deer we surveyed said SPT “crosses the line.”
3: CLIMATE AND SOUND CONTROL
Few places on earth get as delightfully hot and cold as an uninsulated blind. Being miserable builds character and more importantly, ruins your aim. Better yet, when we can hear every rustle you make in your blind, you end up twisting your body into painful shapes as you try to see out without scaring us. That makes your chiropractor rich and supports the economy.
Horizon Pursuit is insulated to keep you comfortable in any weather and even let you bring kids along without giving us any warning you’re in there. You can move around freely any time you want. Because apparently, Horizon Pursuit hates jobs and wants all chiropractors to starve.
4: EASY SETUP
One thing we deer always liked about big blinds is how hard they are to move. If you want to hunt a remote spot, it can be so much trouble getting a big blind out there, you end up just using a cheap pop-up, which we love.
But now Horizon Pursuit has fork tubes so you can easily take it anywhere your tractor will go. Now not even the remotest meadows are safe for us. But do we at least get to laugh at you from the bushes as you balance on unstable ladders during setup and break your back leveling a pad? No, Horizon Pursuit robs us of that simple joy too, with totally ladder-free assembly and legs that adjust up to thirty inches.
5: LONGEVITY
We like watching rust streaks, fading paint, and UV damage ruin your expensive blind in a few seasons. With premium fiber-reinforced plastic siding and aluminum and stainless steel hardware and framing, Horizon Pursuit looks good and performs like new, year after year. It's unnatural, and it tempts you to hunt more than you should. Worse yet, you could end up passing down your Horizon Pursuit blind to your grandkids, perpetuating the cycle of anti-whitetail violence.
6: BUGPROOF DESIGN
Nothing brings you wide awake like the jab of a red-hot wasp sting in the face to remind you that you forgot to fumigate your blind ahead of the season. Look, we don’t want you out here and you may as well know it. Since your deer blind sits unused most of the year, it’s only fair to share it with our bug and rodent buddies. But the fully-sealed Horizon Pursuit blind slams the door in their faces, sending them back to their burrows and tree holes. Are you happy now?
THE UGLY ORIGINS OF HORIZON PURSUIT
Help us sabotage Horizon Pursuit.
By buying up as many Horizon Pursuit blinds as possible, you can help us keep them out of the hands of brutal whitetail killers who don’t hunt fair.
